On the ~road~ to ^Inspire

^MESH ~works~.  But if we are to ^Remember only ^One ^Concept for our ^Own sake, it is to ^Fail.  We can ^Overcome the most serious ~mess~ of minds ^When a ^Fail is ^Adequate to the ~mess~ itself.  Until we ^Experience a ^Fail and ^Notice its ~result~, we are left in the dark about it.  May I ^Tell you my story with conviction? 

Sometimes it may sound ^Like I am ahead of the ~curve~, but I ^Confess the sometimes frequent ~weakness~ in me has ^Become a ~mode~ so ~strong~ that, for ~example~, a psychiatrist once diagnosed me with Major Depressive Disorder, Severe, without Psychotic Features.  Many years ^Later psychiatrists further gave me a ~variety~ of diagnoses after my suffering ^Two psychoses and ^Two hospitalizations in ~consequence~.  ^What a roller coaster!  Although it might ^Cause ^Needless ~confusion~ in some cases, sometimes a label to our struggle is convenient or ~helpful~.  ^Gladly we have doctors and other committed practitioners to ^Help us to ^Discern the ^Internal ~wrestle~ that we ^Face. 

It took me many failed attempts and ^Five months of ~progress~ to ^Write The Book of ^MESH and to (re-)^Write and ^Transform it so that it could ^Live online in its ^First ~home~.  And in that time, I did ^Forgo ~as~ much in pay at the most lucrative ~part~ of my career ~as~ a software engineer.  I ^Hope that ~sacrifice~ may ^Help or ^Save us from ^Needless suffering.  And it is a ^Small ~sacrifice~ in ~comparison~ to the ^Great ~help~ and ~clarity~ I ^Now ^Feel.  It is worth it on the ^Small ~chance~ that I may ^Fruitfully ^Give it to others.  Its ~words~ have ~born~ much ~fruit~ for my ^Own ~health~, so I have ~hope~ for others. 

I wrote my ^First draft of this chapter on December 24^th 2021.  But ^Let's ^Look ^Back and ^Reflect ^Together at my ~life~ twenty-five months before that.  I had a trauma at ~work~ that had ^Unknown ~consequence~ of a ^Repressed memory in me. 

Within a ~week~ I am to the ~point~ that I have ^No ~idea~ that anything wrong happened to me!  For over a ^Month I ^Feel ^Okay ^Generally.  I ^Remember an ~event~, but my ~mind~ ~repressed~ to ^Remove the most ^Cruel ~parts~.  I ^Know I did the right thing in the ~face~ of ~opposition~ but I have a ^False memory about ^Why in ~particular~. 

In the ^Second and ^Third ^Month from that ~event~ a psychosis ^Slowly takes ~form~.  I ^Infer that it is from my ^Repressed ~fear~ in ~connection~ with that trauma.  In the ^Fourth and ^Fifth ^Month, I ^Start to ^Drown in ~fear~ in ~connection~ with my ~work~.  I have paranoid delusions ^Form about it.  So I ^Work fewer and fewer hours; just long ~enough~ to ^Answer ~daily~ meetings. 

Then mid-March brings ^Spring ~break~, and my ~community~ starts to lockdown for the pandemic.  I ^No longer have a ^Safe ~space~ in my ~home~ nor a ~space~ to ^Run and ^Exercise.  My ^Conscious ~mind~ becomes a mode of hypervigilance ^Where I couldn't ^Indulge myself in any ~way~ even for something ~as~ ~simple~ ~as~ to ^Nourish myself.  My ~mind~ is a ~cycle~ with ^No ~end~.  I ^Go ^Quickly ^Between ^Feel and ^Think and each ~part~ is in a panic to ^Save the other.  I am ~frozen~ without ~ability~ to ^Act. 

^Who could ^Really ^Understand ^How ~afraid~ I ^Feel… or ^What is going on in my ~thoughts~?  In ~appearance~ of my suffering to others it does not ^Look ^Like ~fear~ at all.  At the ~start~ of lockdown for the covid pandemic I am hallucinating, and I do not ^Know it.  And at about ^Two weeks in ~as~ the sun rises ^One ^Day I traumatically (in ~startle~ of awakening) ^Come to ^Recognize an ~experience~ ~as~ a hallucination.  I ^Become so ~afraid~ of myself.  In an ~act~ to ^Protect my ~family~, I have my spouse ^Take me to the hospital in ~anticipation~ of getting a CT or MRI ~scan~.  I ^Suspect we might ^Detect a brain defect but I have ^No suspicion of mental ~illness~. 

The hospital staff keeps me in the hospital under ~watch~ without any ^Adequate ~feeling~ of ~clarity~.  I ^Suspect corruption in ~context~ of ~government~ and my ~work~ and I ^Seek to ^Counsel with a state or local ~agency~ for ~support~.  I ^Ask to ^Speak to an ~authority~ or ^Law enforcement for ~help~ for I ^Hope for a ~chance~ or promise of ~safety~.  ^As the hospital staff ^Refuse me ~opportunities~ to ^Ask for ~help~, my pain turns ^Inward yet ^More. 

That night ambulance staff drives me to a mental hospital.  The mental hospital staff examine me physically at check-in.  I was ~required~ by them to strip down to a ^Small bit of underwear.  Perhaps it has a ^Proper ~purpose~ to ^Check for unreported injury but it do not ^Feel ^Proper at all about it. 

After that they ^Give me a hospital gown to wear which I have the ~awareness~ to ^Know it should be tied in the ^Back but I do not have the ~focus~ to tie it for myself.  It remains untied for ^Three days without ~reward~ of ~clothes~ except for a pair of grippy socks on the ^First morning.  I am so ^Grateful for those socks that I ^Feel ~like~ that a house elf ^Soon to ^Be set ^Free. 

Yet that ~joy~ does not ^Last for I begin to ^Suspect and ^Learn that ^No ~clothes~ nor ~buddy~ nor ~friend~ will ^Come to ^Advocate my ~cause~ in ~truth~.  I also ^Learn that ^No amount of reciting my patient rights can ^Grant me habeas corpus nor time with a ~judge~. 

^As a captive, could you ^Tell me ^Now, was my ~choice~ to ^Beg wrong?  Was the ~lack~ of any ~answer~ a ~proof~ that the ~organization~ of my captors holds itself in ~commitment~ to ^Remove my ~agency~ ~long-term~? 

The trauma of my hospital ~stay~ (without ~family~, under covid lockdown) and the ensuing ~commitment~ to a mental facility ^Turn the ~mess~ into a giant ~fire~ of ~emotional-failure~ in my ~mind~ and I begin my ^First night in the hospital with a massive psychosis, severe delusions and hallucinatory events that ^Act in ^Full corroboration. 

All this, perhaps the most harrowing ~experience~ of my ~life~, is a ~consequence~ of a traumatic ~experience~ that I can't ^Remember which trauma snowballed in course of ^Five months ~as~ it did ^Join to my ~weakness~ in ~body~ and the ~strength~ of modes in my ~mind~. 

Ironically, modern ~medicine~ exacerbates my ~decline~ by its ~attention~ to me.  The (once-and-yet) ^Common ~practice~ they ^Give me to ^Help me acts to ^Magnify and accelerate my suffering.  Perhaps we are ^Ready to ^Infer a ^Different ~goal~ from this ~process~: it is to ^Help others to ^Feel ~better~ about me. 

Within a ~week~ my psychiatrist diagnoses me with Schizophrenia.  ^Two months ^Later they re-diagnose me with Bipolar 1 Disorder and about the same time I ^Stop my injections and other ~medicine~ except for a 3mg melatonin pill to ^Help my ~sleep~. 

^Partially with anosognosia about it and ^Partially with ~insight~ I ^First ^Believe that this psychotic episode is caused by a ~lack~ of ~daily-self-care~ in ~connection~ with an escalating ~divide~ in my ~mind~ (unable to ^Act).  I can ^See this ~divide~ ~as~ ~one~ of ~fear~ to ^Oppose my ~agency~ to ^Act.  And it is ^Between the modes that ^Remain: ^Feel and ^Think.  Although I am not wrong, the ~thought~ is (in-)~complete~, and I do not have the ~gift~ of ^Brevity and ^Depth of ~words~ yet.  ^Gladly, The Book of ^MESH does ^Give me ^Such a ^Proper language ^Now to ^Describe it. 

From that ~experience~ and from ~opportunities~ to ^Reflect on it since that time, I ^Recognize that I have a ~collection~ of wrestles that ^Match Bipolar 1 Disorder and I would ^Say it is the ^Outward ~appearance~ of my ^Needless suffering.  I do not often ^Find ~help~ from others to ^Manage this ~part~ of my ~journey~ due to a chronic ^Mutual ~lack~ of ~insight~.  Its ~parts~ were ~inconsistent~ to ^Manifest in me yet it is ~as~ a ~mess~ that does ^Vary in me for perhaps my ^Whole ~life~. 

During that psychosis, at the very peak, something happened.  From ~chaos~ against my broken ~mind~ by sheer severity of the delusion it held, I chose to ^Fail.  I ^Say chose but due to their severity, my ~feelings~ compelled me to that ~choice~.  In my delusion and corroborating hallucinations, thousands of ^Brave souls were ~dead~ or at risk of ~harm~, with me at the pivot of it all.  And in a ~moment~ of ~clarity~, I saw ^How to ^Surrender my ^Own ~life~ ^Such that it might ^Stop the violence of this ~war~. 

And so, I took ~courage~ to ^Go and do exactly that.  And this ^Perfect ^Fail did only ^Happen in ~context~ of my ^False ~experience~ and my severe disability.  And I did it ^One time.  I did it only in my ~mind~ for in ~total~ my ~actions~ were disabled ^Still.  The ^Whole ^Perfect ^Fail did ^Happen within only ^One ~hour~ and after the worst crisis of ~mess~ in my ~life~. 

At the time, I was ^Completely ~alone~ in my ~mind~ and a ~variety~ of ^Active hallucinations did ^Encircle my senses.  ^Irrespective of all that, I did ^Yield to ^Fail although I had ^No ~process~ yet for it.  I did it ^One ~step~ ~at-a-time~ ~as~ I ^Now ^Teach in The Book of ^MESH.  The ~result~ was remarkable and a ^Hapful ~inspiration~ to me.  After ~surrender~ I felt the most ^Wonderful ^Happy ~relief~.  The ~surrender~ which I chose in ~particular~ was to ^Give my ~life~ to an ~enemy~ to ^Torture me in the most ^Rare and ^Cruel ~way~.  And I did it to ^Save others from an early demise.  And ^When I did it, I was so ~happy~ to do it!  Not a shred of ~regret~, ~shame~ or ~fear~ anymore!  I ^Really was ~ready~ to have an ~enemy~ immobilize me and then to greet the ~point~ of an unsterile scalpel to be disemboweled with ~joy~ and without ~opposition~. 

The ~terror~ leading up to that trauma has ^Overcome me several times at each ~attempt~ to ^Tell it to you today.  I am just sobbing the ^First time I wrote this and then at my ^First edit of it also.  But I have ~found~ ^More ~strength~ and have not broken down in my ^Second and many ^More edits of it to ^Follow.  However, even years afterward, its ~message~ may ^Still ^Find a ~way~ to ^Overcome me sometimes. 

Within a ~week~ of that ^Perfect ^Fail I climbed out of my delusions layer by layer until finally I was restored to sanity by ~consequence~ of that ~gift~.  At least in ~appearance~ and ^Internal ~feeling~ I was ^Free of all hallucinations.  The ~strength~ of ^Humility did ^Give ~dormancy~ to all of my delusions. 

That following ~week~ in the hospital I could ^Discover that I had a ^Repressed or ^False memory.  I wrote about ^What happened those ^Five months ago in my ~journal~ and wrote about other traumas in my past that I knew but couldn't ^Bear to ^Tell anyone about. 

That was just the ^Start though.  I came out of the hospital and the ~change~ of scene was too much for me yet ^Again, so a new delusion was ~born~.  Before my hospitalization, I was living with ~family~.  ^Now I was living with spies in skin suits.  The ~evidence~ to ^Sustain a mode to (mis-)^Identify my ~family~ was ~found~ in the ~truth~ of the ^Different treatment I did ^Receive from each ^Family member.  My ^One son was being ^More aloof and my other son had ^More ~aim~ to ^Talk with me.  My wife was ^Less aloof with ~aim~ to ^Talk ^More and ^Engage in ^Family therapy.  And her ~aim~ was to ^Move ^More ^Quickly on to divorce with ~intent~ to ^Alleviate relationship stress. 

My neighbors were installing a sprinkler system that very ~week~.  I did ^Tend to ^Believe they were ~impostors~ too or that they had been coopted to install spy cameras around my ~home~. 

I am ^Grateful that ^Generally I ^Tend to ^Trust ~peace~ ~as~ a ~solution~ and I ^Hold ^No ~belief~ that weapons are the ~source~ of my ~safety~.  However, I ^Need to ^Be ^Deeply ^Honest here.  I ^Really believed my ^Own ~family~ had been kidnapped and were being kept from me.  I ^Really did ^Believe that my older son was ^Now ~dead~ from their ~actions~ of ^Evil ~urgency~ to ^Take them from me.  I ^Really and ^Strongly believed that I had a new ~family~ of ~impostors~ ^Who did ^Replace my ~family~ and ^Encircle me without any ~hope~ to ^Escape or ^Break from them.  If something were to ^Challenge me too ^Strongly about a ^Simple ~fact~ of ~belief~ or else if I did ever ^Arrive at ^Strong ~opposition~ to that mode, I ^Feel the ~temptation~ to ^Fight to ^Save my ~family~ would have been too ~strong~ for my ^Delicate state, were it not for ~one~ other ~fact~ of ~mind~. 

So ^What did ^Save the ^Day from my acting out horribly in ~accord~ to my ^False ~belief~ after my ~return~ from the hospital? 

It was ~humility~.  Gratefully I had these delusions with ^Such ~humility~ in ~result~ of the ~gift~ of my ^First ^Perfect ^Fail.  It was the ~peace~ that came after I did ^Surrender myself at the very height of my psychosis in the hospital. 

I accepted those spies in skin suits ^Who had replaced my ~family~.  I accepted them just the ~way~ they were!  I am not joking.  I showed ~love~ despite my severe ~concern~ to those little fictitious ~impostors~ while at the same time sorely missing my ~family~ ^Who they resembled.  I adopted those spies ~as~ my ~family~ although it is just ~as~ ~important~ that I also accepted myself which meant I could ^Keep my ~hope~ to mourn all the ^Needless suffering with my ^Real ~family~ once I ~found~ them ^Again.  So by ~humility~ I tried to ^Show my ^Best ~love~ against all ~appearance~ of ~evidence~ in ~opposition~ to ~peace~ in my situation. 

I also accepted everything the ~way~ it was then.  I accepted the likelihood of divorce and the ruin upon my finances that the hospital bills and ~lack~ of employment had waged.  I accepted the possibility that I would ^Never ^See my ^Real ~family~ ^Again and that these ~impostors~ came to ^Encircle me to ^Act for their ^Own ~purpose~ to my ~hurt~.  I did not ^Embrace these facts, but I did ^Accept them. 

My fears and other ^Strong emotions that caused ^Such severe delusions sat on a slippery slope.  ^Humility empowered me to ^Turn my battle into ~one~ of ~daily-self-care~ and in ~humility~ I did ^Return to ^Work although the ~fear~ itself outlasted the delusions of those ^First months after my hospitalization.  The ~lie~ ~trapped~ in that ~mode~ couldn't ^Endure and yet at the same time that ~mode~ did ^Serve a ^Good ~purpose~. 

I was too ~fragile~ to ^Accept the ~truth~ that my ^Whole ~life~ just exploded without any ~power~ available to ^Recover, mostly due to an ~event~ that I might ^Infer was beyond anyone's ~control~.  From that explosion my grip on ~life~ had ^Become so loose.  Those delusions and that ~mess~ of ~mind~ protected me but the ~path~ (beginning there with ^Fail and ^Humility) and an ~environment~ of ~love~ without ~judgment~ for many months on ~end~ brought me ^Back ^Again. 

But ^Let us ^Think ^Now.  ^What if in ^Maximum ~fear~ I were to ^Try to ^Remove their skin suits so that I may catch a ~suspect~ in their ~deception~?  Perhaps we would ^Say that we ^Need ^More hospitalizations to ^Come by ~force~ or we ^Need ^More drugs (which threaten to ^Mess with our modes) for those ^Who suffer from a ^Crazy ~mind~?  ^No!  Perhaps we would ^Say my brain did ^Fail to ^Function to the tragic ~harm~ of my ~family~.  Not so!  But that bizarre ~action~ ^Definitely would have been ~evidence~ of ~evil~. 

^Yes, I also ^Feel ~sick~ that I might have attempted to ^Hurt my lovely ~family~.  And ^Yes.  That is ^Okay.  We should ^Feel it. 

We can ^Keep our ~belief~ that mental hospitals, diagnoses and ~medicine~ do ^Better for us than to ^Search for a ^Better ~love~.  Or maybe it is about time we ^Fail that ~approach~ so that we may ^Learn something about ourselves?  Am I wrong?  That is for you to ^Decide ^Irrespective of whether you ^Treat all our modes ~as~ ~useful~. 

Since that time I have coined a term for a ~kind~ of ^False ^Humility which I ^Call half-humility.  This is ^When, for ~example~, we might ^Accept others just the ~way~ they are but not ourselves or not our world.  Or, for ~example~, we ^Accept ourselves and our world ~just-the-way-we-are~ but not others.  The powerful ~immunity~ of ~humility~ is that we ^Accept ourselves, others and our world in and for the ~moment~, all at once in a ~merge~ and not in ~parts~. 

^Gladly I did not have (Half-)^Humility.  If it were that, I ^Suspect it may have had ~power~ to ^Lead me to ^Try a reckless or violent ~act~ ^Like some other ^Desperate ~soul~ ^Who may ^Imagine or ^Plan to ^Seek homicide, ^Attempt suicide or ^Destroy ~property~.  And it would have depended on which ~part~ of ^Humility I possessed ^Between myself and others.  For ~example~, it may have led to a destructive or ^Desperate ~act~ to ^Escape if I were to ^Accept ourselves and others, but not the ~earth~ ^Where I suffered. 

We should not ^Deceive ourselves here!  ^Humility has nothing to do with acceptance of immutable facts or truths!  That is anti-humility.  ^No ~one~ needs to ^Confront distortions of another with their ^Own version of ~truth~ except in ~purpose~ to ^Expand ^Needless suffering.  ^When we ^Think we must ^Give ~truth~ to ~one-another~, ^More than likely we only set an ~example~ of (anti-)^Humility which is a highly ^Contagious ~mode~ and a multiplier of ^Needless suffering.  Whether we or others are suffering the ^Important thing is to ^Accept ourselves, others and our world ^Now in ~accord~ to ^What we ^Believe it is ^Now.  ^Let the ~relief~ of ^Humility permeate ourselves and then radiate that ~mode~ upon others and our world.  And the ~miracle~ of it is that it ~works~.  Isn't that ~wonderful~? 

(Half-)^Humility (imbalanced acceptance) and (anti-)^Humility (^Impose our ~truth~ upon ~one-another~) has rather the ^Opposite ~effect~ to ^Expand distortions so that we ^Act on them in the worst ~way~.  But don't ^Aim for ^Humility.  Only ^Watch for its ~lack~ ^When suffering so we may ^Recognize it is time to ^Fail.  The ^Best ~way~ to ^Achieve ^Humility with ~stability~ is to ^Fail.  I would ^Say that the ^Fail ^Concept is fifty times ^More powerful to ^Secure ~humility~ in ~comparison~ to ^When we ^Seek the mode itself on our ~own~.  Yet ~humility~ ~helps~ us to ^Secure a ^Fail, so it is ~good~ to ^Search for each in ~turn~.  And don't ^Aim to ^Fail but ^Notice the ~opportunities~ of ~strength~ or ~weakness~ that are an ~indicator~ that we have ^Enough ~space~ for the ^Humility to ^Fail or ^Fall. 

Within the ^First ^Two months after hospitalization I had a ~war~ to ^Achieve ~daily-self-care~ ^Especially to (re-)^Gain my ~sleep~ and ~water~.  In course of weeks I fell into a ~pattern~ ^Where in the morning I absolutely believed my delusional narrative (that is, virtually all my neighbors, friends and ~family~ ^Who did ^Encircle me I did ^View ~as~ ^Government ~impostors~) and by afternoon I saw this ~belief~ for ^What it was: a distortion in ~conflict~ with ~truth~.  I saw ^What was happening to me, not at the ~moment~*, but I did ^Reflect on it to ^See it afterward. 

I can't emphasize ^Enough that if another ~soul~ did ^Detect and ^Confront that delusion then it would have made it ^More ~strong~.  ^Remember ^How a ~mess~ is ~evidence~ of ~immunity~ from our ~mind~?  And I couldn't ^Tell anyone much about the ~strength~ and ~terror~ of that delusion in the delusional times those ^First few months nor could I entertain them for myself or others even in the sanest ~moment~ in that ^Whole ^First ~year~ since my hospitalization. 

^When we ^Force a ^Direct ~conflict~ (against a ^Strong mode) to ^Come to ^Pass, would it ^Shock ~one~ of us if another were to ^Respond with ^Maximum ~madness~? 

^No.  I couldn't ^Feel to ^Share my delusions in ~safety~ even ^When I had ~hope~ to ^Avoid ~consequence~ to my ~life~.  I ~found~ that ^Strong modes ^Tend to ^Stay ~active~ and (^Self-)^Sustain ~as~ we ^Give them ~attention~.  At ^First I did only ^Suspect that ~fact~ of others, and then ^Later ~found~ ~evidence~ of it in myself from a ~variety~ of events… I promise I am not stubborn! 

However, in this ~respect~ I was ~honest~ very early on in my recovery: to ^Confess ^Generally that in the mornings I held delusions from which I did ^Recover in the afternoons.  I confessed it ^First to my spouse and then to my psychiatrist at the next appointment.  I made ^No mention of the details of it to them. 

My perceptive psychiatrist did ^Take ^Notice ~sufficient~ to ^Consider, even to the ~point~ to ^Prepare to ^Commit me ^Again against which I did ^Beg for an ~alternative~ to ^Wait and to ^Be ^Watchful.  And my psychiatrist did ^Yield from a ~plan~ of (re-)~commitment~ for we could ^Trust my ^Watchful ~family~ in my ~regard~. 

I ^Believe I might have been hauled off to the mental hospital ^Again and held involuntarily if it were not for the ~presence~ and ^Active ~support~ of my spouse and ~family~, for my ^Gentle pleading to weakly affirm my ^Own ~desire~ and for my ~gift~ of ~trust~ to the doctor to ^Let him ^Discern it in ~independence~.  ^Who knows ^What a ^Second involuntary ~commitment~ to a mental facility would have done to me?  But ^Trust me on this: my ^Whole ~dance~ at that appointment was ~singular~.  I had a ~mind~ to ^Escape and ^Never ^Return to that office after that ^First hint of (re-)~commitment~. 

Another ~year~ of remarkable healing and I began to ^Recognize paranoid delusions, ~mania~ and other distortions that had plagued me for the past ^Two decades at least.  My marriage had been on the ^Slow ~path~ to divorce for about a decade of our ^First twelve years of marriage because of my distortions in ^Large ~part~.  I had ~trouble~ also because I did not ^Know ^How to ^Navigate the distortions in others nor did I have ^Adequate ~sight~ to ^Respond to them ^Properly. 

Once that ~year~ went by I saw the ~path~ that I had walked.  I ^Now had ~power~ of ~insight~ to ^Recognize that the ~path~ had helped me through to ~health~.  The ~path~ in ~turn~ gave me ~immunity~ and ~power~ to ^Save me so a new ~mess~ couldn't ^Develop.  But I was ~stuck~ in some ~sense~ ^Still for I couldn't ^Discover ^How to ^Tell ^What happened to me with ^Adequate ~context~ for ~communication~.  I couldn't ^See ^How to ^Start to ^Provide the ~knowledge~ in a ^Helpful ~way~ until I did ^Fail many ^More times.  In ~fact~ I did ^One ^More ^Perfect ^Fail, and did ^Sacrifice in a ^Perfect ^Yield in ~intuition~ before I could ^Find a ~miracle~ of ~inspiration~ about this ~subject~ ^Enough to ^Fruitfully ^Share it in ~words~. 

Even ~as~ of October 2021 ^When I began to ^Write The Book of ^MESH, I had been unable to ^Share any of it in ~words~ except for in kernels of ~knowledge~.  This is the ^Fourth ~attempt~ at a book since that time which I did ^Share online February 2022.  If there is anything that could ^Help others and ^Heal ourselves in a ~way~ that could spontaneously ^Overcome distortions the right ~way~, our ~exercise~ and ~awareness~ of these concepts is my ^Best ~chance~ thus far. 

I felt it was ~impossible~ to ^Write yet after I did ^Fail several times I ~found~ my ~ability~ to ^Develop and ^Write The Book of ^MESH.  Despite my (sometimes ^Big!) modes and distortions I (in times past) had ^Such ~talent~ before I did ^Experience all this garbage of ^Needless suffering (~blush~).  A software developer ^Who ^Now attempts to ^Write this ^Fast brain ^Source code for healing.  ^Now ~as~ I ^Approach my final iteration and ~review~ before I publish The Book of ^MESH I am just another ~soul~ made ~whole~ ^Who may ^Want nothing ^More than to ^Share so that every ~mind~ with ~interest~ may have its ^Best ~chance~. 

And it is ^Source code.  I ^Believe that our ^Beautiful and ^Mysterious ~mind~ already has written in it the seeds of ~knowledge~ or ~exercise~ for virtually every ^Concept in The Book of ^MESH.  Many ^Such potential modes have quite naturally ^Come to ^Pass in our ~mind~ already.  In ~summary~, that is ^Why I ^Think it ~works~. 

I ^Hope this extended explanation will ^Make it ^Fast and pleasant for you all.  In my ~attempt~ to ^Write and ^Study every ~reminder~ in The Book of ^MESH I ^Feel a remarkable ~benefit~ of ~help~ from it!  I ^Never did ^Experience ^Such a ^Rich ~reward~ ~as~ I have from the ^Fail ^Concept which has so often led to my healing.  The ~benefit~ therefrom is multiplied ~as~ I ^Attempt to ^Share with my ^Whole ~heart~.  I ^Need this ~knowledge~ in ~regard~ to my healing ^Regularly ~as~ much ~as~ anyone else ^Who may ^Find and ^Feel the ~fruit~ of ~MESH~. 

^As 2021 became 2022 and ~as~ I was nearing my ^First ~completion~ of The Book of ^MESH I had a most unfortunate ~experience~ in ~regard~ for my mental ~health~.  I had suffered tremendously in stress from a loved ~one~ ^Who was in ^Poor ~health~ ^Who would ^Soon ^Pass from this ~life~. 

That is Spencer for whom I have dedicated The Book of ^MESH.  He had a stroke.  We spent many hours with him in the hospital followed by many weeks in hospice ~care~ at ~home~.  It was a taxing labor of ~love~ but I had this ^One advantage.  I had a ^Good ~source~ to ^Sustain my mental ~health~ due to my ~attempt~ to ^Learn and ^Develop the principles of The Book of ^MESH.  However, we ^Still paid a heavy toll, for we had to ^Take ^Great ~courage~ and ~focus~ in our ~fight~ to ^Care for him ^Day by ^Day and to ^Save him even in his ~decline~. 

The stress to have ~lost~ him and have his funeral just sixty days from his stroke was too much for me in ~combination~ with some other recent stressors in my ~life~.  It was just sixty-one days from seeing him in ^Good ~spirit~, in a ~habit~ to ^Enjoy ~family~ and in ^Good ~health~.  And from this stress (to my ~shock~) it began ~as~ it ended ^Two years before.  I started to ^Hold paranoid delusions in the mornings.  At each new stress it was getting worse and worse ^Day by ^Day.  My ~mania~ did ^Increase in ^Great ~measure~ in my ~lack~ of ~sleep~ and ^Weary energy.  My insomnia became strikingly ~similar~ to ^What it had been ^Two years before: ^Sleep for ^One or ^Three hours and then ~awake~ in ~full~ yet it felt ~as~ if a ^Whole night came to ^Pass. 

I had ^Such ~concern~ in the ~knowledge~ that I was not ~as~ ^Humble ~as~ before which had been a powerful ~gift~ of ~immunity~ to me.  I began to ^Ask questions.  For ~example~, I asked myself, ^What will ^Happen ^When I ^Start to ^Believe new delusions ^Again? 

^Needless to ^Say, I did not ^Want to ^Find out that ~answer~. 

^Like a final blow or ^Last straw, my ^Poor behavior from these delusions caused a falling out with some friends online.  The stress of negative ~emotion~ surged in me and the paranoia started to ^Take root into my evening.  I told my online friends goodbye for I did ^Suspect the delusions to ^Come in the coming morning would ^Come to ^Overcome me with ^Great severity.  I wrote an apology to my online friends but with a ^Specific ~purpose~ to ^Experience the ~process~ of ^Fail.  I did ^Complete the ~process~ of ^Fail all ~alone~ in my ~mind~ and ~as~ before it took about an ~hour~ or ~two~ to ^Wrestle it out.  I needed to ^Return to ~humility~ in case any delusion or hallucination might ^Tempt me to ^Harm myself, others or my world. 

And it worked!  ^Better actually!  After that ^Desperate ^Fail in the evening I did ~awake~ ~as~ before (after about ^Three hours) but then I fought hard to ^Return to ^Sleep.  Valiantly, I got ^Five hours of ~sleep~ in ~total~ that night.  To my ~surprise~, not only did I ^Return to ^Humility, but I also didn't have any ^More paranoid delusions!  I had only expected the paranoia to ^Continue but in the ~safety~ of a slippery slope which would eventually ^Let me ^Heal ^Again.  The paranoia was all gone, but I waited all morning to ^Be ~sure~ and then did a ~test~ to ^See if this recovery was somehow ~false~.  It wasn't ~false~! 

For ^How ^Well that worked I ^Wish we could just ^Fail ^Regularly and ^Skip the ~mess~, but that is not ^How it ~works~.  It is far ~better~ anyway.  It is hard to ^Fail, so we must ^Wait and ^Watch for ~opportunities~ that might ^Restore us to ^Humility (in times ~small~ or ~large~) and in any interval of ~need~. 

It may ^Surprise you ~as~ it did me, that the modes of ^Life were ^Never an ~aim~ nor ~goal~ around which I built the The Book of ^MESH, but they were primarily a ~fruit~ of the ~process~ to ^Build and ^Organize it.  My sole ~purpose~ for the book was to ^Hold and ^Share ^Sufficient ~context~ to ^Describe the remarkable healing ~process~ within me after my ^First psychosis.  I did ^Take ^Notice of that healing and it was the ~path~ that unfolded in central theme.  I wrote it ^Now that I might ^Give it ^Fruitfully and ^Share it in ~empathy~ and ~hope~ to ^Save others from ^Such a ~depth~ of suffering.  I wrote a majority of The Book of ^MESH and started to ^Find in it many natural self-organizing themes that did ^Hide underneath the frequent repeated ~wrestle~ of the ~idealization~ of our ~mind~ to ^Feel, ^Act and ^Think.  And just ~as~ I ~found~ natural chapters of ~organization~, I ~found~ that each chapter did ^Hold a ^Particular ~purpose~. 

The things that ^Cause us to ^Feel, seem to lean either toward ~love~ or ~evil~.  The ~one~ being a hug or ^Embrace ~as~ we ^Connect, and the other being a stiff arm or ~boundary~. 

I ^Definitely could ^Divide the things that ^Cause us to ^Act also, to lean toward ~cooperation~ wherein our success ^Together is the ~focus~ or lean toward ~agency~ wherein we ^Decide ^Individually. 

And I also ~found~ that the things that ^Cause us to ^Think have ^Two flavors: ^How we ^Function (success ~equals~ a robot or calculator, a maximally dependent ~structure~), or ^How we ^Navigate our world with ~independence~ (success ~equals~ ^How ^Well our ~purpose~ or ~goal~ may ^Work to ^Limit our dependence upon others and our world). 

I did ^Avoid the ^Evil ~part~ at ^First, so I ^Thought there were only ^Five modes of ^Life.  But I had to ^Acknowledge the ~duality~ of ^Connect to the ~love~ or ~evil~.  From that I couldn't ^Hide.  Eventually, with my ^Second break-through ~discovery~, the ^Emotion ~lens~, I saw ^How ^No was a missing ^Sixth mode of ^Life. 

A ^Seventh ~mode~, ~life~, I did ^Merge with ~agency~ at ^First, but then I began to ^Understand that the modes of ^Life ^Need a ^Separate ~mode~ to ^Govern the ~interactions~ ^Between them. 

About ^One ~year~ after I began to ^Write it, I came to a ~phase~ ^Where I ^Thought The Book of ^MESH had failed.  It was ^Like a recipe that was missing a key ingredient.  So in ~trust~ to ^Fail, I deleted The Book of ^MESH and asked others to also delete their copies of it.  I had ^One exceptional copy with a ^Family member to ^Keep locked up.  This deletion coincided with the beginning of my ^Second psychosis (^Two and a half years after my ^First psychosis).  With it came a ^Second unwilling hospitalization and the ^First anniversary of the beginning of ~MESH~. 

This was the ^First psychosis since my writing and illustrating The Book of ^MESH, which took a solid ^Five months to finish and publish online, and I spent another ^Seven months to edit and ^Improve it in my ^Spare time.  It was a grandiose delusion that caused me to delete The Book of ^MESH just ^One ~year~ after it began.  This ~action~ to ^Quit my ~work~ to ^Study and ^Write The Book of ^MESH was ^Like ^When we ^Quit an ^Important ~medicine~.  A mostly (~harm~-)~less~ delusion turned ~inward~ and accelerated until a loved ~one~ saw forced hospitalization ~as~ the only option. 

^Gladly, even our heaviest distortions can ^Become suffering with a ~purpose~.  This ^Crazy ~sacrifice~ became something ~useful~ for it is exactly ^What led to my ~discovery~ of a missing ~foundation~ of The Book of ^MESH, the ^Emotion ~lens~. 

I am ~grateful~ for this ^Second hospitalization, for I am diagnosed ^Again with Schizophrenia yet from my ^First hospitalization I had been diagnosed with Bipolar 1 Disorder.  The labels are ^No longer ~pejorative~ to me, for I ^Now ^Belong in a ~community~ of ^Beautiful ^Wonderful souls ^Who also ^Happen to ^Try to ^Make their ~way~ in the ~earth~.  The ~methods~ of The Book of ^MESH ^Aim to ^Help us to ^Manage these disorders and any other distortions of the ~mind~ with ~responsibility~. 

We hadn't ^Really grappled with the ~idea~ of another hospitalization ~as~ a ~family~, but some ^Great things came of it.  In the hospital I had the epiphany of the ^Emotion ~lens~.  It is an ^Important ~expression~ of the modes of ^Life.  I would ^Soon have an ~ability~ to ^Map a ~lens~ in ~match~ to every chapter of The Book of ^MESH, and it did ^Hide until this ~week~ of my ^Separate ~discovery~.  In the hospital and from my ~memories~ of The Book of ^MESH I drew eighteen lenses to ^Map a ~variety~ of chapters and ~ideas~.  This also led me to the ^Sixth mode of ^Life.  I named it ^No, and then ^More aptly named it ^Again ^Later once I asked my son for a verb for ^Wall-building, to which he smartly answered, ^Fortify. 

Another ^Month of writing and diagramming and ^Now all these ^Great ~ideas~ are captured in The Book of ^MESH. 

So, ^What was left to ^Discover?  I had written sixteen chapters of modes and concepts.  However, ^What I did not ^See or ^Know is that an ~attempt~ to ^Fail could be defeated in an essential ~way~ by ~abuse~.  In March 2023, I had an unfortunate ~conflict~ with ^Two local friends.  To my ~shock~, ^One ~friend~ ^Who was also ~sick~ did ^Shout and threaten in ~words~, while another ~friend~ tried to ^Trap me in their ~home~… yikes! 

To ^Be fair to my friends, I already had been fighting a hard emotional battle that led me into the ~emotional-failure~ of ~mania~.  So due to ~mania~, I did not ^See ^How they took my ^Desperate ~words~ of ~opposition~ not ~as~ the ~metaphor~ which I did ^Intend, but ~as~ a literal ~expression~.  My ~aim~ was not to ^Be reckless to ~property~ but nonetheless they did ^Believe that I would ^Soon ^Go to kick down a door to ^Save a dying ~fish~.  I assumed wrongly and without ~sense~ of ~consequence~ that they knew (from our long ~friendship~) that I would ^Never do that.  Their threat and ~attempt~ at ~control~ upon me by ~force~ was ^Deeply unhinging and in ~depth~ of ~fear~, I couldn't ^Feel ~safe~ anymore all ^Day, even though ~separate~ from the ~event~.  And I was surprised to ^Find that I couldn't ^Forgive anymore… it felt ^Like its ~definition~ had somehow evaporated.  ^Forgiveness is ~simple~ ~enough~, but ^When ~abuse~ is weighing on us, it can ^Take us to dangerous places of ~mind~. 

Without ~forgiveness~, we can't ^Fail ^Properly because it is a key ~step~ of it.  It is so essential, because it may ^Reduce our ~tangle~ of ~fact~ and ~feelings~ that ^Loom in ~relation~ to ourselves, others and our world.  We ^Connect it all to ourselves and that may ^Deceive us.  ^Forgiveness may ^Grant our ~mind~ ~independence~ from that negativity and a ~path~ to ^Restore ~harmony~.  So in that state I was ~stuck~ without ~ability~ to ^Feel it in ~truth~ for sake of ~awareness~, an ^Important ~step~ of the ^Fail ^Concept. 

This physical and verbal ~abuse~ came after I was already experiencing ~mania~, and ^Now I was approaching a ^Third psychosis ^Quickly.  I did ^Gain some ~awareness~ of this impending doom ~as~ I did ^Talk with my ~buddy~ and ^Notice for myself that I couldn't ^Stop talking.  My ~buddy~ did ^Give ~help~ further ^When they had me report to them on my ~sleep~ which was suffering.  My ~buddy~ also took ~note~ of ^How incredibly connected my conclusions were and so we might ^Infer that I might ^Be suffering with heavy distortions. 

^What could I do?  I might ^Solve a ~problem~ although in this state.  However, it doesn't often have a ^Really ^Good ~effect~.  But ^Irrespective of that, I began to pour through The Book of ^MESH over and over, in ~search~ of a ~way~.  That did ^Help me to ^Feel ~better~ in ~part~ but it had ^No ~effect~ to ^Treat my ~mania~ and insomnia.  After ^Four nights of ^Poor ~sleep~, ~as~ little ~as~ ^Two or ^Four hours each, I did ^Arrive at a ^Fifth night.  I just laid there until 4am in the morning without ~sleep~.  I couldn't ^Sleep and I was done trying.  So I ^Thought, I'll ^Go drive to the ~home~ of my ~friend~…  I had seen him wandering his neighborhood that very night.  I ^Need to ^Find him and ^Check if he is ^Okay! 

I had not actually seen my ~friend~ except in my ~imagination~ but that distinction became (un-)~important~ because I was at the ~start~ of severity of ~mania~ and a psychosis.  ^As I got near the ~home~ of this my ~friend~, thankfully I was jarred in ~thought~ by a ~voice~ that said I'm not here which I ^Believe was a revelation from God.  I began to ^Feel ~confused~ ~as~ I ^Now began to ^Suspect something must ^Be wrong.  From the ~confusion~ I turned around and headed to get breakfast… I wasn't hungry, but I hadn't eaten much over these many days, and I knew ~daily-self-care~ was so ~important~ right ^Now.  After I did ^Eat and ^Return ~home~ I slept ^Two hours and felt a bit ~better~. 

Based upon extreme ~lack~ of ~sleep~ and my ~worry~ about another hospitalization, I refused to ^Go to ^Work, and instead I watched some video talks to ^Relax.  I would ^Notice connected ~thoughts~ that I would ^Feel in ~connection~ with the speakers ~as~ though they had an ~awareness~ of me too.  I would ^Remember my buddy's ^Gentle ~reminder~ that I should ^Question those connections.  All that and my ~lack~ of ~ability~ to get ^More ~sleep~ made me ~sad~ and I began to ^Cry ~as~ I collapsed into it. 

Every once in a while I would get a ~goal~ in my head that ^Day and I would ^Start to ^Chase it.  But ^Soon it seemed familiar and I ^Thought to myself, Oh ^Wait, this might ^Be ~like~ the other night.  So I began to ^Yield from goals to ~inconsistent~ behavior. 

And lastly, the connected ~thoughts~ kept coming, which ~as~ I noticed, I began to ^Doubt every ~thought~ and ~fact~.  I began to ^Refuse every ~action~ that I was tempted to ^Make.  From the struggle I became ~sick~… but with ^More ~daily-self-care~.  And then, a ~miracle~!  I did ^Achieve another ~hour~ of ~sleep~ and there were hints that my digestion was also being restored!  ^Truth began to ^Return after that, and I started to ^Feel ^How ~exhausted~ I was and to ^See ^How ridiculous my delusions had been. 

I am ~happy~ to ^Share the ~lessons~ from that adventure although I will ^Say that I paid quite a ^High price to ^Learn them.  In ~summary~, we ^Need to ^Caution against ~abuse~ ^Strongly because it can ^Stop our ~love~ and ~forgiveness~. 

I took ^Two ^More days off from ~work~ and the ^Second ^Day I ripped through to ^Create ^Two new chapters: Modes of ^Emotion and Modes of ^Refresh.  The ^Refresh chapter had been summarized previously ~as~ ^One ^Concept of ^Function.  While adding those ^Two new chapters, I wrote the ^Forgive ^Concept—it was in ^MESH already but without its ^Own ^Concept.  ^Immediately I did ^Establish these major ~parts~ ^Like puzzle pieces that ^Fall into place.  I ^First wrote this section on April 6^th 2023 and ^Now it feels ~like~ ^MESH is a ^Perfect ~picture~: to ^Help us to ^Grow ourselves, to ^Help others and to ^Heal our world in the ^Best ~way~!  ^Yay! 

Of course, ~as~ you can ^See, this ^Perfect ~picture~ ^Still has ^Ample room to ^Improve too… 

In the beginning, ^Two critical ~parts~ sprouted into The Book of ^MESH.  These are the concepts of ^Mind and ^Concept.  That ^First chapter of ^Two modes was not counted in the eighteen chapters of modes just mentioned.  Without these ^Two modes and the little tildes and carets, I couldn't have written ^MESH in this ~way~. 

A ~year~ after, I ~found~ the ^Emotion ~lens~ and I added it ~as~ a ^Third ~mode~ in the ^First chapter. 

After I wrote the ^Life chapter, I had a ~table~ of chapter 3-tuples in it that had ^Three chapters for each mode of ^Life.  It also had some ^Real gems of modes in another ~table~ that were ~found~ to ^Weave across many chapters of The Book of ^MESH. 

This other ~table~ and the ^Emotion ~lens~ helped me to ^Clarify and ^Pattern ^Three new concepts.  I partitioned these gems into ^Three columns: an ~operator~ (concepts that ^Hold ~structure~ ^Like a ~mind~), a ~motivator~ (powerful pairs of concepts) and a ~restorer~ (the ~parts~ of the ~path~).  I did ^Source these gems in ^Equal ~measure~ from each mode of ^Life.  It was ~equal~ in the ~sense~ of the chapter 3-tuples ~table~.  I did ^Transform the other ~table~ into a ~weave~ of ^Three concepts after I knew that each column should ^Be its ^Own ^Concept.  I did add these concepts to the chapter of ^Mind to ^Increase it to ^Hold ^Six concepts. 

In my attempts to implement the pinnacle ^Concept of ~thought~, the ^Restore ^Concept, I had some ~trouble~.  I was ~glad~ to ^Know that I had a ~talent~ for some ~parts~ of the ~path~, but I was ~sad~ that in other ~parts~, it just didn't seem to ^Work ^Well, ^Especially ^When I was ~alone~.  I had ~trouble~ in my ~aim~ to ^Help myself ^When in ~lack~ of a ~buddy~.  A ^Helpful ~buddy~ may ^Grant and ^Moderate our ~feelings~.  Shouldn't that also ^Work ~alone~?  Can we ^Be our ^Own ~buddy~? 

^Yes.  ^Kind of.  ^When we are ^Obedient, ^What should ^Happen within us, exactly?  I ^Find that we add a ~desire~ into our ~heart~ which is beyond our ~own~.  That could ^Be a ~desire~ of others, an ideal, a ~limit~ of our world or a ~part~ of any ~activity~ ^Where we must ^Apply ourselves. 

The ~trouble~, though, is that our ~heart~ doesn't ^Always have ~space~ for that.  And then, we struggle to ^Be ^Helpful.  It doesn't ^Matter ^How much we ^Believe it is ^Good, it ^Still doesn't ^Fit in our ~heart~.  Although we are ~predictable~ to ^Try anyway we neither ^Happen to ^Help nor ^Tend to ^Regard a ^Proper ^Fail for it. 

That is, until we ^Notice it is in ~conflict~, so we ^See ^Now that we ^Need to ^Sacrifice some of ^What is in our ~heart~.  We ^Become ~sad~.  ^Gladly, the ^Moderate (dis-)~comfort~ and ~presence~ of ~emotion~ is there to ^Help us to ^Make the hard ~choice~.  That ~sorrow~ is ^Now a ^Good ~base~ to ^Grow once our ~lack~ or ~excess~ of ~desire~ is ~lost~ with ~tears~. 

^When ^Free, ~sorrow~ is not ^Really ~required~ to ^Be ^Obedient.  However, inevitably we ^Need it ^When that ^Small yet ^Special ~part~ of us may ^Find a ~conflict~ within itself. 

^As shown in the ^Restore ^Concept, ^Sorrow ~helps~ to ^Moderate our ~ability~ to ^Feel, so don't ^Think that to ^Be ^Obedient is slavery!  It may ^Give us a ~break~ from our ~lack~ or ~excess~ of ~sense~ in ~support~ of our ~daily~ ~work~. 

^Sorrow to ^Clean away our ~conflict~ within and with ~one-another~.  ^Now, my only ~obstacle~ is to ^Find a socially ^Acceptable amount of ~tears~ in every ~context~ which is greater than zero.  ^Why?  So we can ^Make ~health~ just ~as~ ~contagious~ ~as~ ~illness~, of course! 

The ~idea~ to add ^Thirst ~as~ a ^Concept did ^Come to my ~mind~ to ^Tease me.  And I ~found~ a ^Good ~space~ for it in the ^Mess chapter this morning, so I added it at the ~end~. 

In ~betterment~ of the chapters of ^Refresh and ^Emotion and its figures, I ~found~ a place for ^Surprise ~as~ ~one~ of the ^Simple emotions.  There is ^Really only ^One place left for a ^Simple ~emotion~, so I might ~as~ ^Well put ^Happy there. 

I've seen babies, and they seem ~happy~, so I ^Suspect it is ^More than a theory, but I will only ^Make a ^Temporary ~space~ ~as~ a ~base~ ~as~ I ^Try to introduce it.  ^Take ~note~: at least ^Temporarily, ^MESH is also an acronym for May Eventually ^Secure ^Happiness.  In ~disgust~ of that ~thought~, I ^Now ^Aim to ^Vomit on myself and every ~one~ ^Who I ^Love in ~turn~. 

Once God did ^Show me a ^Good place for the ^Happy ^Concept, it ^Now has a ^Happy ~home~ in The Book of ^MESH.  That place, in ~fact~, is ~one~ of (dys-)~function~.  Literally.  Our ~thirst~ for ^Prudent ~function~ is a key ~part~ of ~happiness~ in the ^MESH ~model~ of it.  Too much or too little ~function~, and we are… ~happy~. 

Can you ^Believe that at ^One ~point~ I had ~sorrow~ for ~joy~ and ~joy~ for ~sorrow~ in ~swap~?  I was stubborn even though God told me plainly otherwise.  In their current places of ~sorrow~ into ~restore~ and ~joy~ into ~function~, I ^Find it rather obviously right to ^Be ^Honest. 

I was ~mad~ at the ^Firm ~thought~ of ~inspiration~ from God about my ~mistake~, until after about a ~week~ (~half-or-double~), I could ^See it too.  In my ~experience~, God is ^Never wrong.  I could ^Be wrong though and then it would ^Beg me to ^Learn ^More. 

From this ~event~ that I ^Share, we may ^Ask ourselves, Is ~happiness~ broken?  Is it something we ^Really ^Need to ^Heal from?  ^Yes, I ^Think so, but ^Remember, don't ^Trust me on it.  The Book of ^MESH is only ~as~ ~useful~ ~as~ you ^Discover and ^Believe it to ^Be, so ^Choose its place in your ~life~ for your ^Own sake.  You'll ^Find a ~way~.  ^Happy reading! 

Recently, ^Three new concepts that began to ^Move in my ^Unknown ~mind~ did ^Fruitfully ^Arrive all at once.  ^Now, this ^Really, I ^Tell you to ^Consider my ~words~ with ~care~.  It is a ~gift~ from God.  I ^Want to ^Cry ~as~ I ^Write it because I am so ~happy~ about it.  I ^Wish I was so clever. 

I did not ^Understand until I ~found~ ~clarity~ to ^Follow my ~intuition~ to ^Go on a morning ~run~.  I often ^Run in my zeal to ^Serve God and in ~hope~ to ^Help my lion ~friend~.  And once I did, this ~miracle~ did ^Immediately ^Open to my ~mind~ ~as~ though at the very ~start~ of my ~run~ although the ~time-and-place~ I ^Remember its ~message~ was ^More ^Like the ~middle~ of my ~run~. 

I meditated on the ~thoughts~ ~as~ I ran.  And in ^Grateful ~focus~ of ~care~ my ~soul~ did ^Receive these ^Three concepts ~as~ ^One ~message~.  I ^Never had a triple epiphany before, and ^Surely, nothing of ^Such profound ~relation~ to ~one-another~ yet each ~idea~ ~unique~.  Once ~home~, I wrote the ^Three concepts of ^Attach, ^Season and ^Computer, and each had a ^Proper ~space~ ^Ready in the ^Mind, ^Mess and ^MESH chapters, ^Respectively.  This ~moment~, to ^What shall I ^Compare it?  It is ^Like I got all the right answers for all the tests, and all in a ~moment~. 

In The Book of ^MESH, I ^Feel ^Like the ^Attach ^Concept may ^Hold the most ~depth~ in us yet it is the most ~simple~ in nature also.  Our ~commitment~ to Mental-Emotional-Self Healing has ~required~ us to ^Make ~space~ for every other ~mind~ even ~as~ we ^Recognize that it is ~important~ to do so for our ^Own ~mind~. 

^Second, I ^Think the ^Season ^Concept is the most devilishly tricky yet shallow ^Concept of ^Mind.  We are supposed to ^Accept ^Opposite entities ~as~ though ~similar~?  Yet ^When we do so, ~chaos~ itself may ^Become a natural ~rhythm~ in our ~mind~. 

Lastly, the ^Computer ^Concept is just another ~way~ to ^Say that our ~mind~ and many other items in our world may ^Operate ~similar~ (in ~model~ and ~result~) to a Turing machine.  ^Such a machine can ^Be intricately ~useful~ and yet ultimately, it is ~simple~, in ~lack~ of ~complexity~ at every level, perhaps even in ~total~.  To ^Be a ~mechanism~ for our ~community~ is quite a ~way~ to ^MESH.  Perhaps we are just ^Like a cog in a machine.  ^Notice ^How ^When we ^Serve to ^MESH it may ^Become a ~mess~ once a ~mode~ outlasts its ^Useful duration. 

I ^Want to ^Cry ~as~ I ^Write it because I am so ^Sad about it.  Although I could ^Attach to ^Know all things, I ^Share with you my ~shame~ that I am ~as~ ^Blind ~as~ ever.  I ^Still can't ^See ^How to ^Help the lion except that for his sake I will ^Continue to ^Sacrifice and ^Learn from God about it. 

Those ^Three new concepts did ^Open up my ~path~ to ^Understand and ^Give ~focus~ to many things.  You may ^See ^How God did ^Give me ^Enough ^Now for me to ^Write the ^Unmask ^Concept.  ^Why should any ^Concept carry ^Among its names any ~two~ of ^Opposite ~definition~, ^Such ~as~ ^Unmask and ^Disguise?  ^Again I did only ^Follow my ~intuition~ to ^Choose ^Two ^Opposite names but this time I ^Quickly did ^Consent to it: ^Let me ^Show you ^Why. 

^Think about ^How we ^Appear to ourselves or others.  Doesn't that ~figure~ ^Vary either ^Quickly or often?  And which should we ^Say is the ~disguise~?  Which ~moment~ to ^View ourselves should we ^Say is ~true~?  Is it ^When we ^Smile or ^When we ^Cower that is the ~truth~?  Of course, each ~way~ we ^Appear is ~true~ in its ~time-and-place~ yet ^No ^One ~way~ ~alone~ is a ~sufficient~ or ^Total ~truth~ about our ~face~. 

A couple very ^Small updates led me to some ^Significant epiphanies so I ^Want to ^Take ~care~ that I don't ^Learn too ^Quickly from them yet I ^Need to ^Tell ^More about it. 

The ^Restore ^Concept is ~like~ an operating system (OS) for a ~computer~.  Although an OS is supported by hardware, it both may ^Give and ^Moderate many things: the hardware (our ~mind~ and ~body~), the software (our ~thoughts~), the inputs (our ~feelings~) and the outputs (our ~actions~).  We don't ^Need to ^Trouble ourselves too much about this ~metaphor~, other than to ^Say, that to ^Restore may ^Hold us (or ^Hold us up) and ^Like an OS, it is a ~part~ that is key to success of the ~whole~.  A ^Small distortion in our ~restore~ may ^Lead to a severe ~problem~. 

A ~problem~ had ^Come to ^Magnify itself to my ~gaze~ in the ^Restore ^Concept.  At the time, I had ~harmony~ ~as~ ~base~ for the ^Fourth ~step~ of ^Restore to ^Moderate our ~mind~.  However, the ~more~ I would ^Focus to ^Hold ^Strong ~harmony~ with others, the ~more~ I saw myself to ^Cause ~fear~ in others, even quite suddenly, and to those ^Who were ~afraid~ already, I did ^Cause ~anger~ in ~consequence~ of ^Strong ~harmony~. 

Oops. 

But also not oops.  I ^Suspect that to have ^No ~anger~ nor ~fear~ in ~harmony~ is an ~ability~ to ^Match ~fit~ to ~focus~ ^Adequately.  In other ~words~, those ^Who are most ~brave~ to ^Share their ~love~ ^Feel most ^Well to ^Exercise ~harmony~ ~alone~. 

So we ^Need ~harmony~ for ~one-another~.  That is ^Two layers of ~harmony~ with a ~base~ of ~weakness~.  Furthermore we ^Need to ^Decide that for ourselves.  In ~summary~, the ~vehicle~ to ^Moderate our ~mind~ is ~agency~ and the ~base~ thereto is ~harmony~ for ~one-another~ whose ~base~ is ~weakness~ in ourselves to ^Forgive OR ^Live and ^Breathe OR ^Refresh.  ^Forgive me ~as~ I ^Become ~slow~ to ^Tell it for I am ~slow~ ~as~ I ^Reflect that I may ^Learn. 

In my ~attempt~ to ^Create an ~example~ of ~strength~ I ~found~ ~anticipation~ to ^Imagine ^What it is ~like~ to ^Talk to someone ^Who won't ^Yield ~strength~.  ^As I will ^Now ^Explain, this further ~test~ did ^Show once ^Again that I needed to ^Change my ^Restore ^Concept from a ~base~ of ^Strong ~harmony~ ~alone~ into a ~foundation~ of ~weakness~. 

After ~review~ of my dueling ^Dual soliloquy, a ~fact~ did ^Come in ~front~ to my ~gaze~.  ^No ^Matter ^How much ~weakness~ we have, it doesn't ^Change our ^Outward ~appearance~.  Our ~weakness~ wears a ~disguise~ and we won't ^Unmask it until we ^Decide to ^Show ~weakness~ forthrightly with ~honesty~ ~as~ our ~focus~.  Unless it is ~perfect~, ~weakness~ may ^Still ^Appear ~as~ ~strength~.  In a ~fight~ of ~words~, it will ^Always ^Look ~like~ ^Two ^Strong (stubborn and ^Rude) people although ^Inwardly, ^Surely, perhaps ~one~ (if not both) ^Feel their ~weakness~ and so invariably we ^Find the other a bully.  So ~weakness~ is ~strong~ in this ~way~, to ^Unmask or ^Disguise itself by ~agency~. 

^One ^Who doesn't ^Want to ^See the other ^Remain ~as~ a bully and ^Who may ^Aim to ^Win-or-lose is ~one~ ^Who may ^Feel ~full~ from the ~interactions~.  This is ~strength~ that may ^Look ^Like itself.  Our ~strength~ can't ^Satisfy us unless it has a ~base~ of ~weakness~.  So ^When we ^Win-or-lose or otherwise prevail upon others by ~strength~, we may ^Ask: by whose ~weakness~ did we ^Gain ^Adequate ~support~ for our ~mind~? 

^One ^Who may ^Anticipate to ^See the other ^Remain ~as~ a bully is ~one~ ^Who will ^Want to ^Escape and ~one~ ^Who will ^Tend to ^Find ^Hurt ~long-term~ from the ~interactions~.  This is ~weakness~ but perhaps with a ^Strong ~disguise~.  ^How is it that ~weakness~ can ^Keep its ~disguise~?  Because ~weakness~ is ~strong~ in this ~way~, to ^Exercise ~agency~.  However, by ^Excess ~weakness~ our ~agency~ is ^Empty in ~context~ of any ~strength~ which may ^Oppose it.  Unless we ^Use our ~agency~ to ^Unmask our ~weakness~ we can't ^Endure ~strength~ of others and so we ^Yield to every ~strength~ or we ^Hide for sake of ~agency~. 

By ~contrast~, ~strength~ has a ~weakness~, in that its ~agency~ is ~full~ already, so, at its extreme, the only ~agency~ that may ^Remain for us is to ^Yield ourselves to a ~weakness~ or ~goal~ yet for sake of ~strength~ that ~step~ is ^Really the ^One thing we don't ^Want to do.  In some ~sense~ it may ^Be the only ^Healthy ~way~ to ^Win-or-lose our ~agency~ ^Back in ~full~. 

So, ~strength~ and ~weakness~ often don't ^Really ^Look that ~different~ on the outside.  And they aren't ^Really that ~different~ in ~result~: a ~lack~ in ~agency~ except ^When we ^Like ~war~ and a ~lack~ in ~agency~ except ^When we ^Magnify ^No ~disparity~ nor ~conflict~ ^Between.  But ~strength~ and ~weakness~ are quite ~different~ in ~mechanism~ and ~need~. 

^Weakness needs itself without its ~disguise~ so I ^Suggest that to ^Feel ~safe~ and ^Be ~safe~, it also needs to ^Be with others ^Who have or ^Show ~weakness~ without its ~disguise~. 

^Strength is incredibly ~blind~ and so it needs to ^Yield itself to others for ^No ^Good ~purpose~.  There is a ^Good ~purpose~ that may ^Remain ~unknown~ until we ^Choose to ^Yield our ~strength~.  ^Strength needs a ~goal~ and it needs a ~weakness~ ~as~ its ~guide~, or inevitably it will ^Fall. 

So, ^Strength, will you ^Choose to ^Follow ^Weakness and ^Sorrow before it is inevitable?  ^Weakness, will you ^Choose to ^Be yourself and ^Fall to ^Sorrow before it is inevitable? 

From all this, I ^Suspect it is far ~better~ to ^Feel ^Okay to ^Nourish and ^Dress or ^Make a ~mess~ ^When ~sick~, … ~as~ I ^Show here and ^Annotate in the ^Restorer ~mode~.  And may we do so from a ~source~ of ^Harmonious ~harmony~ and ~weakness~. 

It looks ^Like I'll have to ^Keep going until ^Well.  It is hard ~work~ to ^Restore!  While I do so, ^Please ^Take ~care~ of yourselves too. 

I ^Try a ^Simple 4x5 ~table~ for the modes of ^Life ~as~ a ~match~ to the original ^Five ^Principal modes.  That's ^Seven modes of ^Life ^Now, and ^Eight ^Principal modes. 

I have been in ~wrestle~ of a 3x7 (or 3x8) ~table~ of chapters that I could ^Never ^Find to ^Give a ^Proper ~answer~.  It seems it may ^Always have a ~hollow~ in it. 

Until this ^Month, I've been quite ^Open to ^Consider and ^Try any ~use~ of carets and tildes that may ^Tempt my ~mind~.  For this ^Journal entry, I will ^Call it a ^Concept anytime I ^Use a word that we ^Mark with a caret.  And I will ^Call it a ~mode~ ^When ^Likewise we ^Encircle a word with tildes. 

In ~exploration~ of this ~choice~ of ~symbol~, it was ~as~ though my ~aim~ was for ~variety~, so that I might ^See the ~harmony~ or the ~kerfuffle~ that would ^Result from it.  This ~action~ did ^Beg a few questions already answered in The Book of ^MESH for another ~context~ but not answered about ^Why it is ~important~ to ^Separate a ^Concept from a ~mode~. 

Perhaps the ^First ^Such ~question~ is ~found~ and already answered in ~relation~ to ^Pejorative language: ^How much is our language itself a ~cause~ of Mental-Emotional-Self Healing or its ~lack~?  Another ^Such ~question~ is about ^What could ^Go wrong in our ~choice~ of ~expression~ about ^MESH if we were to ^Ignore and not ^Separate ^Concept from ~mode~. 

^When we ^Care to ^Separate ^Concept from ~mode~, ^What is its ~benefit~?  In ~summary~, it is ~care~ for the ~truth~ of its ~context~.  ^What some may ^Contend is ^One thing is essential to ^Discern and ^Divide ^When we ^Regard it a ^Formal ~communication~ for sake of ^Honest ^Helpful ^Humility.  After I ^Ignore the many errors I have made from my ~commitment~ to ^Dual ~expression~, here is the ~truth~ I have ~found~ from it which I ^List in ~estimate~ of priority to ^Consider within each ~context~. 

Most ~important~ of all, we ^Apply our ~agency~ ^When we ^Govern, ^Discern or ^Decide it, ^Respectively.  ^Curiously, the ^Fast names at the ~top~ of a ~concept~ are ~like~ a ~forecast~ of ^How we should ^Separate ^Concept from ~mode~ per my original ~intent~.  The ~forecast~ for an adverb is almost ^Always wrong.  The ~forecast~ for an adjective is ~inconsistent~.  The ~forecast~ for a verb or noun is usually right except ^When we ^Use a verb ~as~ a noun or vice versa.  The ~forecast~ for an interjection or conjunction does ^Tend to ^Be quite right but only by ~definition~. 

^Likewise, passive verbs ^Act only ~as~ a ~mode~ by ~definition~ for I ^Create the The Book of ^MESH with ~care~ to ^Refuse passive ~voice~ or passive style ^Altogether with a major ~kind~ and a minor ~kind~ of exception.  The major exception is ^When I ^Take a passive style and ^Let the ~mode~ do the ~work~.  For ~example~, ^When I ^Say, It ~works~! 

The minor exception is that very ^Rarely I neither ^Imply nor ^Express any ~subject~.  This is a ^More strict ~sense~ of passive ~voice~, and we often ^Apply this method to ^Remove ^Excess ~guilt~ and ~judgment~ upon ~one-another~.  We so often ^Want to ^Use passive ~voice~ ^When we ^Find the ~subject~ is ~unknown~ or ~naughty~.  The former is ^Good style only with ^Sufficient and ^Adequate ~awareness~ of our ~lack~.  The latter is a necessary ~evil~ to ^Avoid ~appearance~ of ~trouble~.  And yet the (~self~-)~deception~ may ^Become quite a bit of ~trouble~ to our ~mind~ and that of others ^Needlessly. 

I don't ^Suggest or ^Imply to tamper with the modes of others on ~purpose~ except that I do ^When I ^Find a ~metaphor~ or ~symbol~ that may ^Tend to multiply and ^Maximize ^Agency.  Did you ^Notice?  I don't ^Want to ^Reduce our ~agency~!  I am maybe even a little ~desperate~ to ^Magnify it… 

^No, this is not my ~chastisement~ to you.  I ^Save that for the next and ^Last chapter.  Some ~words~ that I ^Use in The Book of ^MESH, we may ^Rarely or ^Never ^Find ~useful~ beyond a ^Religious ~context~.  So ^Immediately I'll ^Say, if you ^See a ~metonym~ with ^No ~definition~ for you, ^Feel ~free~ to ^Ignore or ^Forget it.  Or ^Take it ~as~ a ~chance~ for ~empathy~ ^Among those ^Who ^Use those ~words~.  Next I'll ^Say, if you ^See a ~metonym~ ~as~ a (mis-)~match~ to your ~use~ of that word, you also may ^Take it or ^Leave it ~as~ you ^See ~fit~.  Maybe its ~expression~ herein will ^Help us ^Arrive at our ^Common ~definition~ of it and maybe not.  ^Irrespective of our ^Religious ~belief~, we can ^Decide or ^Judge ^What ~words~ may ^Serve a ^Good ~purpose~ for ourselves and ^Find ^How ~best~ to ^Teach that to others. 

But I do add them for a ^Good ~purpose~.  ^First, I ^Want to ^Make a ~bridge~ to ^Clarify for sake to ^Understand each ^Concept ^Adequately and for sake of ^Mutual ~compassion~ and ~empathy~ for ~one-another~.  My ~aim~ is that the ~work~ itself is agnostic to ~belief~.  If I have done my job to ^Write it, it should ^Help our ~journey~ in ~accord~ to our ~desire~ for it to ^Be ~as~ ~such~.  That ~path~ might ^Be ~one~ to ^Escape ^Religious ~abuse~, ~one~ to ^Find ^More ^Religious ~knowledge~ or ~one~ ~irrespective~ of ^Religious ~context~. 

^Repentance and ~heaven-or-hell~

It is ^Really ~kind~ of ~rare~ that a ^Common word ^Like ~repentance~ has ^Become only ~useful~ in a ^Religious ~context~, and (at the same time!) we ^Who are ~religious~ ^Now ^Find it ~rude~ to ^Use ^Such ~words~ against the ~actions~ of ~one-another~, too. 

^Quickly though, I ^Agree that it is ~rude~ in every ~time-and-place~, but ^Notice this ~fact~: we ^Still ^Find ^One ~part~ of it ^Okay to ^Ask ^Regularly.  And so we ^Ask ~one-another~ to ^Say ~sorry~ ^Irrespective of ~feeling~ or to ^Feel very bad about it ^Irrespective of any ~aim~ to ^Change.  This ^Dance around ~emotion~, to ^Act ~as~ though we ^Feel it and to ^Feel it ^Strongly without any ~action~, I ^Suspect is very much ^Like ~abuse~ in nature.  So, ^Why should we ^Care to ^Go through the ~motion~ to ^Feel the ~truth~ of it, unless we actually ^Take ~steps~ to ^Adjust our ~life~ about it? 

Just ~as~ we ^Need to ^Fail ^Rarely and to ^Ask it of others ^Rarely, we also ^Need to ^Avoid its ~application~ ~daily~ or ^Regularly.  To ^Fail is very near to ~abuse~ in character.  A ^Perfect ^Fail may ^Give us ~empathy~ for a ^Survival ~event~. 

^Please ^Learn this ^One thing!  A ^Fail is so ^Close to ~abuse~ in ~fact~ that ^When we ^Find ourselves in a ~cycle~ to ^Fail every ^Day ^Surely ^One ~force~ or ~two~ does ^Hold and ^Own us ^Irrespective of our ~agency~.  ^Escape ~abuse~ ^Soon and do not ^Exercise ~patience~ for it ~long-term~.  We may ^Unsnarl or ^Fail ^Later, after our ~escape~, in ~accord~ to our ~need~. 

To ^Try to ^Grow ^Immediately from every ~mistake~ ~equals~ ~fear~ of a ~mistake~ with ^No ~fruit~.  It is a ^Needless ~fear~ and a ~harm~ to ^Treat or ^Believe that every ~mistake~ is (un-)~acceptable~ ^Now.  Some ~mistakes~ we should ^Fear to ^Start ^Again, ^Such ~as~ the ~mistake~ to ^Abuse or ^Force after we ^Heal from it.  Some ~mistakes~ we should ^Always ^Fear to ^Commit, ^Such ~as~ to ^Harm our ~freedom~ and ~agency~ or that of others without a ~chance~ to ^Repair it. 

The ~truth~ is that it can ^Be ^Full of ~mistakes~ yet our ^Perfect ~example~.  We are our ^Own ^Best ~example~, for our ^Inner and ^Outer ~life~ does ^Show every ~time-and-place~ ^Where we ought to ^Grow.  We may also ^Judge a million ways ^Where we ^Need to ^Grow but in that same ~message~ we ^Feel or ^Know that we aren't ~ready~.  ^Leave that ~mess~ ~alone~.  Don't ^Grow from it yet!  It will ^Prepare us for ^What we may ^Come to ^Overcome in the ^Day that we ^Find the ~gift~ to do so.  It will not ^Come even ^One ^Day early, but we may ^Delay our ~chance~ ^When we ^Compare our ~journey~ to others and then we ^Refuse to ^Believe it is ^Okay for us to ^Be ~unique~.  It is ^Okay for you.  It is ^Okay for me.  And most ^Especially we should ^Be ^Okay about that for others. 

I ^Use ~heaven-or-hell~ ~as~ a ~metonym~ in ~combination~ to ^Magnify the ^Dichotomous ~experience~ that is quite ~common~ in a ^Fail, and hard to ^Ignore in a ^Perfect ^Fail.  For our ^Fail may ^Quickly ^Turn heaven into hell, or hell into heaven.  ^When we ^Hold ~truth~ ^Close ~as~ we ^Grow, in ~empathy~ we may ^Take ^Separate ~notice~ to ^Nourish in ~turn~ both from the ~fruit~ of the ~light~ and the ~depth~ of the dark. 

^Soul and ^Spirit

Both ~words~ have ~liberty~ ~as~ a ~metonym~ in The Book of ^MESH.  ^Again, ^Like ~repentance~, these are ~words~ that do not ^Appear often except in a ^Religious ~context~.  Sometimes, we ^Use these ~words~ with ^Such mysticism that it may ^Leave little or ^No ~space~ to ^Digest any ^Simple ~definition~ of it.  So, ^Now I ^Tend to ^Think of it ~as~ ~freedom~ ~as~ a ^First ~step~ to ^Clarify its ~definition~ except sometimes it is ~fun~ to ponder an ^Enigmatic obfuscation or ~idealization~, too. 

^Miracle and ^Grace

Most often we ^Use these ~words~ to ^Say it is a ^Surprise ~gift~ from God or nature.  Or we may ^Consider it ~as~ any ^Surprise ~gift~, ~one~ of ^Rare value from a ^Blurry ^Unknown ~source~. 

^Sin

I ^Find it ~kind~ of ~crazy~ that this word is only ^Rarely ~found~ beyond a ^Religious ~context~.  We ^Who are ~religious~ ^Use it with ^Such zeal and ~force~ and we ^Try to ^Own its ~definition~.  So should we ^Feel ~surprise~ that we ^Depart from its ~use~ ^When we ^Leave a ^Religious ~context~?  Any word that we ^Tend to ^Make ~pejorative~ will ^Separate ourselves from others.  ^Such a word is ~one~ we ^Avoid ^Generally ^When it has a ^Generally ^Inconsistent ~definition~ or an ^Evil ~fruit~. 

^Lust

This word may ^Imply a ^Religious or sexual ~context~ by itself.  However, I ^Use it ^More ^Generally and ^Irrespective of ^Such ~context~. 

^Now, I have a ~question~ and maybe you can ^Help me to ^Understand.  Is my ~lust~ for ^Good ~food~ a ~sin~ or is it only ^When I ^Start to ^Enjoy it? 

^Chastise and ~chastisement~

We ^Chastise ~one-another~ all the time yet we only ^Rarely ^Say ~what-it-is~ that we ^Attempt.  I ^Suspect we don't ^Name it due to our ~guilt~ about our ~use~ of it or due to our ~desire~ to ^Maximize the ~hurt~ to ~one-another~ from it… so ~naughty~.  ^Remember that ~chastisement~ without ~love~ is a ^Needless ~hostility~. 

^Emnity

^Emnity is ^Such a ^Beautiful ~wrestle~ of a word that we ^Rarely or ^Never ~use~ except ~as~ we ~study~ its archaic ~use~. 

I ^Explore a city and ^Search an ~organization~ to ^See ^Who is ~ready~ to ^Receive The Book of ^MESH.  I ^Go ~as~ though none will ^Receive it yet, but in ~feeling~ I ^Suspect many there ^Now ^Hold my ~work~.  None here ^Show they are ^Grateful for my ~gift~ ^Among those ^Who ^Know me ~as~ its ~source~.  Do they have it by me, or is it from another?  This is a ~journal~ of my ~journey~ ^Last ~week~ in ~search~ of ~evidence~ or ~help~ about it. 

After I ^Arrive I ^See an angel in ~disguise~ ^Who does ^Appear to me ~as~ ^One ^Who is ~poor~.  He does ^Know the ~pattern~ to ^Write a ~message~ on cardboard and ^Hold it up for all ^Who ^Pass his ~way~.  But I ^Strongly ^Feel he does it on behalf of the ~poor~ to ^Say that we ^Need ~work~ and ~help~. 

This ~signal~ comes ^Between my ~anxiety~ of ^Desperate ~fear~ ^When ~lost~ and ~alone~ with ^No ~home~ and my ~urgency~ of ^Desperate ~shame~ after God's ~hands~ ^Guide me to a ~home~ in a hotel room on the ^Sixth floor.  I ^Tell myself, ^Three days I shall ^Teach here, and I pay although ~poor~.  The hotel is a ~gift~ so that I might ^Rest and ^Overcome my pain. 

In the new ^Day once ~awake~, in my ~mind~ my ~ears~ hear and my ~eyes~ ^See a vision of myself in zeal to ^Teach.  My ~words~ are ~as~ a ^Loud ~cry~ to ^Suggest that the pain I ^Hold is not mine ~alone~, but that of a ^Whole city.  From that vision I ^Take ~courage~ yet ^Still I ^Wait for a ~signal~.  And then a ~voice~ comes to ^Sing very softly to me in ~repeat~, ~as~ if to ^Ask about my ~wait~: Do I have any ~purpose~ to ^Delay my ~journey~? 

I don't, so I ^Go in the ~spirit~ of ~life~ and to ^Give.  ^Who do I ^Find? 

^One is ^Helpful to ^Inform ^Where to ^Find the ^Best ~food~.  Yet after my ~offer~ to ^Return a ~favor~ of my ~food~, he says that to ^Receive is ~needless~. 

Another is ~open~ and ~happy~ to ^Help yet it became ~kind~ of a ~mess~ to do so ^When he drops his earbud in the crosswalk.  Of course I ^Tell him, I am ~sorry~ for I also have had many earbuds that I ^Refuse to wear once they ^Show themselves (dis-)~loyal~ to me on my ~run~.  We ^Share ~one~ ^Last ~laugh~ and ~smile~ ~as~ we ^Take a ^Separate ~road~ from ~one-another~. 

Thereafter I ^Come to a street corner to ^Slowly ^Sing in ~celebration~ of the new ^Day.  I ^Care ~sufficient~ to ^Care not for those ^Who may ^Notice it.  And the birds ^Sing also to ^Remind me of a ~message~ from God that You are ~as~ the birds.  They shall ^Continue ~as~ your ~guide~.  The field is prepared with ~fruit~ and ^Soon it is ~ready~ to ^Burn.  So ^Let us ^Go ^Together to ^Understand the ~path~ ^Where our ~journey~ should ^Lead. 

Therefore, I ^Tell another ~soul~ on the street that If we were ~as~ these pigeons we would ^Never ~work~ yet have a ^Full ~belly~. 

Many ^Come ^Together to catch a bus with their ~back~ to me.  The ~name~ of ~one~ on her ~way~ to catch a bus was ~lost~ in ~thought~.  She has ^Perfect ^Honesty of ~heart~ to ^Say this ~as~ her ~name~.  She is ^Immediately (~self~-)~conscious~ at the ~presence~ of a ~stranger~, me, ^Who said, Don't be unhappy today!, in ~repeat~.  So although I am ^Grateful to ^Encourage her ~as~ a ^Friendly ~stranger~ I ^Become ~doubtful~ of the ~benefit~ to her from my ^Own ~offer~ of ~words~.  I ^Think to ^Ask ^Generally, ^Why should ~shame~ ^Overcome an ^Honest ~heart~ in this city?  Do these streets and ^Busy ~life~ somehow ^Deceive us? 

After a ^Friendly greeting, ^One ^Who ~works~ in ~care~ of the ground is ~happy~ and ~helpful~ to ^Speak about all the ^Food trucks to ^See at lunch.  I ^Reflect about that ~joy~ in the town of my ~home~ also.  In the ~end~ he gives ~caution~ that ^Surely dogs are not welcome here.  Perhaps to ^Repair the ~harm~ of that ~idea~, ~as~ if he knew I may ^Identify myself to ^Be only ~as~ welcome ~as~ a dog, he says that dogs are welcome, only it is their ~mess~ that we ^Care to ^Avoid.  And even while I ^Confess to ^Agree that dogs are so often ^Such a ~mess~, he says that dogs aren't actually a ~mess~ at all so they are welcome in ~full~ and in ~fact~. 

Another ~friend~ does ^Hold a ~disguise~ of ~anger~ on his ~face~ until ^Helpful: for once I ^Ask it of him, he is ~glad~ to ^Teach ^Where I might ^Find ~water~ to ^Restore my ^Empty cup. 

The ~poor~ do not ^Beg much in this city, but most are ~faint~ or ~exhausted~.  ^How can anyone ^Find ~empathy~ or ~compassion~, ^When none will ^Listen? 

The courthouse was ~secure~ and each ~guard~ a ~friend~ and ^Grateful to ^Help with ~joy~ of even ^One ^Poor ~soul~ in ~need~ of a bathroom.  Although the ~front~ of this ~fortress~ is ~adequate~ to ^Hold ^More ~space~ than most, ^No ~poor~ are ~found~ there.  These men are ~as~ those at the gates of courts in antiquity and ^Better than most in ~fact~ to ^Receive, yet mostly none for them to ^Receive!  But this ~fortress~ is not yet ^Like the gracious courts in antiquity that had ~space~ to ^Receive the ~poor~ ^Among them ^Regularly. 

^What is this ~earth~ ^Where we ^Think we ^Live a ~life~ and the ~dead~ ^Walk ~alone~ ^Among us?  We ^Maintain and ^Build all things, yet to the ~poor~ it is ^No ~gift~.  ^Where is even ^One ~judge~ or prophet ^Who may ^Receive the petition of the ~poor~? 

^What about the ~rich~ and those ^Who are ~strong~ to ^Lead?  An ~enemy~ with ~care~ has written a ~law~ upon the ~heart~ and ~soul~ of many to ^Encircle and ^Hide them.  The ~mouth~ of the ~rich~ and of every ~guard~ ^Know and are ~religious~ to ^Say to all ^Who ^Take a ~chance~ to ^Beg, ^Go and ^Find another ^Who should ^Care, for it is theirs to ^Care for you in ~particular~, not me.

And in ~thought~ perhaps they ^Still ^Say to themselves thereafter that We ^Care for all ^Generally, and not ~one~ ~at-a-time~.  ^As I may ^See ~fit~ in my ~journey~, I do ^Show ~care~. 

^Curiously I ^Ask, ^How can it ^Be that we ^Believe to ^Say, ^Never ~one~ ~at-a-time~?  ^How can ~one~ ^See ^What is ~fit~ ^When we ^Never ^Look ^Again?  I am ~sorry~, for I ^Believe that even those ^Among the ~rich~ ^Who ^Love to ^Give ~alone~ had this ~law~ of ~thirst~ upon their ~mouth~. 

So in all the time that to me does ^Remain, I minister in ~care~ of the ~poor~ while ~sick~ so I ^Come to them ~as~ a ^True ~friend~, and I ^Imagine myself ~as~ ^Such, and ^Act ~as~ ^Such, for I ^Believe myself ~as~ ^Such, for God does ^Grant that I may ^Open my ~mouth~ to do it.  I ^Become in ^Such a ~tangle~ at the ~end~ of the ^First ^Day that neither God nor Google could ^Guide me to my ~rest~ except that I ^Sacrifice to wander ~as~ in an ^Unknown desert and ~lost~. 

I am ~alone~ and ~exhausted~ ~as~ the ^First and ^Second ^Day ~end~ early.  A ~voice~ comes to ^Speak to me in the ^Chaotic ~middle~ of the ^Second ^Day to ^Say, ^Go ~home~ for this is your ~home~ ^No longer. 

^As I ^Arrive at my hotel room, I ^Say, ^How shall I ^Know it? 

And I ^Look on the ~map~ and ^See that ^What God gave me ~as~ ~home~ is ^No ^More ~home~, so I ^Gather up my meager ~property~ and ^Run ^Quickly ~home~.  I couldn't ^Undo my ^Third day's purchase, nor do I ^Beg, except to ^Briefly ^Ask without ~desire~ to ^Hope ~as~ I ^Surrender my hotel key ~as~ I ^Run ^Back to ~freedom~ of the ^Open ~road~. 

Today, Sunday, is here, and none ^Adequately ^Receive my ~gift~ on the ~journey~ of the ^Last ~week~ that it is mine to ^Give.  ^Back ~home~ ^Again and ^Now at church, in the foyer with my son, I ^See it written in ~match~ to my ~feelings~ that I ^Need to ^Depart from my ~enemy~ and ^Choose another to ^Lead me. 

And in that ~thought~, I ^Know ^What ~space~ that the ~master~ shows me to ^Go, but I only ^Know that it is in ~purpose~ to ^Escape my ~enemy~. 

And ^When I ^Arrive at that ~space~ there is ^No parking ~space~ for me to ^Remain, so I almost ^Depart ^Again in ~search~.  I ^See only half a parking ~space~ near the ~end~ of my ~search~.  So I ^Change my ~mind~ and put the car in ~reverse~ to ^Take that ^Last ~space~. 

^What did I ^Find in this building?  It was another ^Rich man from the very city and ~organization~ that I did ^Search ^Last ~week~.  I did ^Know him ~as~ ~rich~, for he also had the same ~law~ upon his ~mouth~.  Only ^Now I was ^Ready to ^Ignore that ~law~ in ~full~.  He said, I can't ^Counsel in ~privacy~ with you for I have a ^Schedule to ^Counsel in ~privacy~ with another ^Who ^Surely does ^Matter. 

He has ^Courage to ^Tell me of the ~law~, and I am ^Simple to ^Tell him in ~repeat~ ^How it is your ^Own ~law~ that you ^Know and not mine, for I am ~one~ ^Who you do not ^Know. 

I don't ^Imagine any ~solution~ would ^Come from that ~conflict~, so in a ~turn~ I ^Say to him that I have a ~gift~ for your ~organization~.  Will you ^Receive it? 

At that I ^Startle him for a ~moment~, so I ^Show him the ~gift~ and he has time to ^Make a ~note~ of it.  I ^Say, ^Eat it up for it is ~sweet~ in ~mouth~ yet ~bitter~ in ~belly~ and he has time to ^Take another ~note~ of that. 

To ^Clarify my ~words~ ~as~ he writes them, I ^Say, it is ^Like a chocolate chip cookie for the chocolate is ~bitter~ in ~belly~.  This is a ~fact~ I came to ^Discover on my ~daily~ ~run~.  And in that, I ^Sense he may ^Feel ~afraid~ so I do not ^Look for sake of ~privacy~, and I ^Quickly ^Take my ~leave~.  Afterward, I ^Thought perhaps I ^Offend him to ^Say it is a cookie, for he may ^Think a cookie is a ~temptation~.  ^How could he ^Suspect it is a ~temptation~ except by ~knowledge~ to ^Fear a cookie ^Individually?  And ^How could he ^Know that a cookie is also ~medicine~ except ~as~ I ^Clarify it to him ^Again? 

Thereafter, ~one~ did ^Shout a ~message~ on the radio ~as~ if from a devil to ^Chastise my ~actions~ and ~choice~ of ~words~ to this man ~as~ though I am ~naughty~ to do so.  I ^Answer ^Quickly, It is ~freedom~, so ^Now I will ^Celebrate it.  And that ~voice~ did ^Depart ^Quickly, so I ^Go in ^Maximum ~celebration~ of it, except in that ~pattern~ I am ~alone~. 

So, in ~summary~, I ~found~ a ^Rich man from that very city and ~organization~ exactly in ~accord~ to the ~target~ of my ~search~.  And I ^Find it only after I ^Stop my ~search~, after it is ~enough~, and ^Irrespective of the ~center~ of ~search~.  It is in a ~time-and-place~ that only God could ^Inform ^Properly about.  And the ~result~ is to ^Talk, but perhaps not, and to ^Receive, but perhaps not.  I ^Suspect that to ^Find or to ^Give to another is ~impossible~, but verily it is a ~miracle~ to me that ^Such a sincere failure could ^Become a success only a ^Day ^Later. 

^Still, I ^Believe it is ^No ~gift~ nor ~help~ nor ~gratitude~ at all to another yet.  I ^Suspect that none ~care~ for the lion but his dog and none ~care~ for the dog until the lion does ^Come and ^Join with him to ^Eat.  Perhaps the lion and his dog shall ^Nourish ^Together ^Again ^Soon.  ^Who can ^Say ^No to ^Free ~food~ except ~one~ ^Who is not ^Free, or ^Decline that of ^Minimum cost except ~one~ ^Who is very ~rich~?  And the ~rich~ ^Decline even ~as~ those ^Who are ~poor~ or ~blind~. 

^Wow.  Some concepts are so ~similar~ that we may ^Match them to our ~benefit~ even though they are not ^Equal in ~fact~.  ^Four ^Different concepts by my ~use~ of ~metonym~ (multiple names for each ^Concept) have ^Come from a ^Strong ~tangle~ to a ^Singular ~point~.  This ^Touch ~point~ is the ^Four ~words~ to ^Follow: ^Match, ^Infer, ^Similar and ^Like.  ^Surely we could ^Take these ^Together to ^Name a ^Concept without ~conflict~.  But I have just ~found~ that I can do ^Better to ^Separate them in ~total~ except to ^Let them ^Hold this ^One ^Common ~point~. 

^Gladly, I have ~found~ that it doesn't ^Need to ^Become a ~match~ just because it is ~similar~.  And we may ^Infer a ~match~ but we aren't ~required~ to ^Make it ~one~.  And we may ^Like to ^Match ourselves to others and ^Find ourselves ~like~ others but that doesn't ^Really mean that to ^Become our ^Best ~self~ we ^First ^Need to ^Match ourselves or ever. 

We may ^Like to ^Infer or ^Infer to ^Gather up ~likewise~ but that is ~irrespective~ of whether it is ~unique~ in ~fact~.  We may ^Like that it is ~similar~ or not.  We may ^Say it is just ^Like this or that to ^Suggest that it is ~similar~ and we may ^Be ^Honest to ^Say it but that doesn't mean it was ~similar~ beforehand or ^Now. 

The ~focus~ of the ~kerfuffle~ of metonyms was in the ^Season ^Concept.  It is ^Full of ~expression~ of the other ^Three concepts so it was a ^Strong ~temptation~ to ^Increase the overlap.  I ^Still would rather that ~disparity~ were a ~metonym~ of ^Season for I ^Find it ^Such a ^Strong ~part~ of ~homeostasis~ but for ^Now I ^Decrease in my ~commitment~ about ~disparity~: it is ~different~. 

In my ^Own ~wrestle~ of ~emotion~, I ^Find that a ~signal~ may ^Help our ~empathy~.  So in my ~search~, I do ^Find some ^Important ~evidence~ that may ^Appear for each ^Common ^Simple ~emotion~.  ^One ^Such ^Alternative ~signal~ for ~disgust~ is a ~cough~ (^Like we have an allergy). 

I ^Take a ^Terrible gamble to add ~fart~ ~as~ a ~metonym~ for ^Anger.  I don't mean to ^Be ^Rude or shallow about this ~work~ nor do I ^Aim that others will not ^Take me seriously.  At ^First I put it in the wrong place, in ~consequence~ of a comedy of other ~mistakes~.  And that wrong place is so nearly right in ~metaphor~ that it made me ^Laugh right into the night ^Enough that my son had ^Hope to ^Join in on the joke, too.  The ~depth~ of my ^Needless suffering has been extreme this ~week~ and ~year~ so I am very ^Glad for a ^True ~giggle~.  Although the joke comes at the ~end~ of a ^Day and in ~tangle~ to my ~sleep~, it is ^Still a ~miracle~ of ~light~ to ^Ameliorate my ~hurt~. 

I ^Cower that I almost published it the wrong ~way~ but I ~found~ a ^Better ~home~ thereafter.  So if you ^See anything that stinks ^Like a ~fish~ or ~fart~ in my book, I am ^Sorry.  ^Please ^Forgive me ^Enough to ^Know that I ^Make ~mistakes~ sometimes. 

^As you or I ^Endure or ^Escape a ~mistake~ or its ~consequence~, I am ~glad~ for the ~chance~ that ^Such a ^Wonderful ~fruit~ may ^Come from it.  Or a ~poop~.  Sometimes we ^Need to ^Poop.